Asking for help

I learned something today... I found myself doing something I constantly do. Refusing to ask for help. I tend to insist I can "do it on my own" and won't let anyone help me... even if I know I need help. In this case, it was moving furniture and doing a lot of work, work that can be a bit difficult when you are pregnant and due literally any day. Now I am in serious physical pain, and have no one to blame but myself. Help was offered, I refused it.

I'm realizing I am just this way with my trauma and emotional problems... I am so damn independent and stubborn, I can't let my guard down even to say "hey I'm struggling, I really need some help". I struggle, and I'm depressed, angry and lost. And I am too afraid of being vulnerable or needing someone. See, in the past, those I needed, those I trusted, violated me in the most personal way. So now... I can't stand to be in need or let people past my defenses, even if they only want to help. Eventually, I have to ask for help. Because if I don't.... I'm the one who is going to continue to suffer for it.

Haven't posted this week

I know I've not really posted much this week, sorry about that! The week 3 block is a bit more challenging than the last two, and it's going to take me some time to get it done. I have been having a moderately decent week... went to bed at a decent time the last couple nights so was up around 9 or 10 each day.... that's definitely an improvement. I have usually just stayed up all night, because sleeping at night is often triggery. So I would sleep half the day literally, which doesn't really make for a progressive day. Hopefully I can get my sleep back on track, that would be awesome.

I am going to be a mother, that is becoming more scary each day. I worry about if I'll give him enough love, if I'll protect him the way I should, if the man I eventually marry (when I find him) will hurt him. That is my biggest fear. I'm going to be a single mom, and when I meet a man I want to be with, I'm afraid I'll end up marrying someone who harms my child. And I would never forgive myself. All I can do is tell myself that I am powerful enough to break the cycle... and hope like hell that I'm right.

Sorry everyone, I got busy for a couple of days! Anyways, I am still following the goals for the week 2 block, and have managed to accomplish my goal daily. I went to a movie with one of my favorite people this week, Alice in Wonderland 3d... it was a great movie! I also got out and did some shopping with another of my fave people, and took some time out for myself to sit in the hot tub and relax. So I feel very confident about my accomplished goals this week. I do need to work on my outlook/attitude, but I think that will come in time. I think that one main thing I want to accomplish with all of this healing work, is to just be happy. Not have every day be amazing, or have everything always go right for me, because that is just not realistic. But just to be happy in myself and in my life. To feel content, even during the difficult times.

Honestly, I think that happiness and contentment are two of the most important things in life. Because then the bad seems not so bad, and the good seems even better.

Good day

I had a good day, got out of the house and spent time with a family member whom I'm very close to. I really enjoy having her around, I can talk to her about anything without judgement, and she reassures me and just lets me vent. That can be so important. I finished a project I was working on today, and it's always nice to feel like you have accomplished something. So in all... a good day. New baby did not arrive like everyone thought, so I'm around for a bit longer. I hope everyone out there had a productive day as well!

Update

I am stopping by to update... I did accomplish my goal the last couple of days. I watched a funny movie yesterday, it's crazy how quickly your mood can improve if you just find something to laugh at. I also got out of the house today for a while, and got myself a little treat. Sometimes something that simple can really make you feel better. Last night I took a hot bath, think I'll do the same tonight. All in all I feel pretty good about it. I may not be around for a couple of days, new baby may be making a debut, but I will update again when I am able.

Week 2 begins

I haven't been on much the last couple of days, haven't been feeling well. But I'm back! I finished up the first week, now it's on to the second block in the Self Healing from Trauma. I will say that yes, I made it out of bed this weekend, and even got out of the house both days. So yay.

This week I am making a list of things that I enjoy doing. So let's start with that. I love to
~read, it relaxes me and takes me out of myself for a while
~write, because I can just be me, no holds barred, on paper(or computer)
~cross stitch
~watch funny movies.

Today I am going to read, because I could use some relaxation. I am going to place one restriction on my reading however... no self help books or anything non fiction. It sometimes stresses me out more, and overwhelms me. So this week, I am sticking to fiction. Happy fiction.