Friday, February 26, 2010
I am discovering how very... human I am today. I've made it out of bed and so I suppose, technically, I have accomplished my goal. But today I am seeing that I have so much more that I need to work on. There are times that I don't even recognize the person in the mirror. Who I used to be has been replaced with this mean, angry, spiteful person that I quite honestly am not too fond of. I know that there is such a joyful life waiting for me, I just have to get there. But man.... this is one of those days when I really need help with that journey.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Bad day
I'm not really in a writing mood today ladies(and gents). I did make it out of bed today, so goal accomplished. But I think that in the space I'm in, it's best if I save further writing for another day.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Anger
Okay today I'm going to write about a couple things. I am going to do my "list" updating, and I am also going to talk about something that's been on my mind a lot lately.
First, I did manage yesterday to make it out of bed, although not as early as I would have liked. It was probably 2 before I drug myself out of bed. But, in the light of baby steps, I think that regardless of what time I made it out of bed, what counts is that I did. I also got out of the house and went to the last class of a 4 week thing. It made me feel good to actually get out, get some fresh air, and socialize with people. I have found out something about myself lately, and that is I really prefer to be alone. I like to socialize as much as the next person, especially if I'm around people who are fun and uplifting. But I am equally happy just being by myself, reading or watching a movie. Some people may see that as a flaw, but I see it as a victory, because the thought of being alone used to terrify me. I feel like I have found the strength to just be myself, with myself. I hope that makes sense. I made it out of bed today as well, at 10:30, which is quite an improvement from most days. I feel good about it, and I've got a group function I am going to this evening as well, which is one I always look forward to. So tonight I'll be getting out of the house again, which I'm excited about!
Second, I'm going to talk about excuses. Mainly, using anger to excuse mean and vicious behavior. I am not trying to step on anyone's toes, but I feel the need to address this, even vent a bit. Anger is a very real and powerful emotion, trust me I know. I am probably the most angry person I know. I am constantly angry at.... well everything. A family member can say something to me, that they intend as completely innocent, and I will be instantly defensive. The longer the conversation continues, the more angry I become, until I am infuriated to the point of wanting to just put my fist through a wall. I am fortunately not a violent person, so I would never physically lash out at anyone, regardless of how angry I was. I will say there is an exception to that rule. If anyone ever harmed my son, I'd be out for blood... but that's just the mom in me. But I do lash out with words a lot. If someone says something hurtful to me... my instant response is "fuck you". That is my instant reaction. It's not right, it's not mature, but it's fact. And I use my anger as an excuse to not move forward, an excuse to say whatever I want. I use it as a defense. If I'm pissed, who is going to approach me? Certainly no one who doesn't want a confrontation. I did not used to be angry. Growing up, I took what everyone dished out, and I did it with a smile. I never spoke up against anyone, especially the adults in my life. I never said a harsh word, for fear of retaliation. I just took it, and bottled it up. Then when I was just shy of 17 years old, something happened that, in my opinion, shouldn't have. It took me back to a place that I thought I was out of, and it pissed me off.
I suppose you could say it was the "straw that broke the camel's back" and I just lost control. I was placed in a youth facility instead of being placed in a foster home. If anyone in authority came near me, I lashed out. I actually got physical a lot of the time. They were always a bit on alert, ready for me to explode. I learned to use that to my advantage, but what I didn't realize was that yes, the home allowed it, but the real world doesn't. It took being removed from a foster home by the police for me to realize that throwing things and threatening to kill people was NOT acceptable behavior. Sure, I knew I would never really hurt them... but they didn't know that. And I liked it. I liked the fact that people were afraid of me, because that meant that for a change, I wasn't the one afraid. That day when I left that house in handcuffs... I looked over at my foster mother, and the first thing I saw on her face was fear. And then it hit me... I was becoming just like the perps... I was ruling with fear and anger. I've calmed down a lot since, but I still have so much anger in me, it's just nearly suffocating. And there comes a time when you have to just let it go. Yes people did some things to me that were really messed up. They stole my childhood from me and I have every right to be angry with them... but if I hold on to that anger for the rest of my life, who suffers? The perps who are out there living their lives, and probably don't give what they did to me a second thought? Do they suffer for my anger, and hatred? No. I suffer, my family suffers, my son will suffer. If I let this anger continue it's hold on me, I will end up just like the people I am angry at. And I will never be able to rise above it, and give my child something better. The longer I dwell in it, the longer the perps and the people who pulled me down continue to have a hold on me. I guess my point in this is that anger is an excuse, to say things that are mean and vicious, and later say "well I was angry". Bullshit. Anger is not a good reason to hurt people. If you let anger cause you to lash out, to be mean, then you put yourself on the perps level. And that's not somewhere I want to be.
I am not willing to put myself on their level... I have to choose to rise above it.
First, I did manage yesterday to make it out of bed, although not as early as I would have liked. It was probably 2 before I drug myself out of bed. But, in the light of baby steps, I think that regardless of what time I made it out of bed, what counts is that I did. I also got out of the house and went to the last class of a 4 week thing. It made me feel good to actually get out, get some fresh air, and socialize with people. I have found out something about myself lately, and that is I really prefer to be alone. I like to socialize as much as the next person, especially if I'm around people who are fun and uplifting. But I am equally happy just being by myself, reading or watching a movie. Some people may see that as a flaw, but I see it as a victory, because the thought of being alone used to terrify me. I feel like I have found the strength to just be myself, with myself. I hope that makes sense. I made it out of bed today as well, at 10:30, which is quite an improvement from most days. I feel good about it, and I've got a group function I am going to this evening as well, which is one I always look forward to. So tonight I'll be getting out of the house again, which I'm excited about!
Second, I'm going to talk about excuses. Mainly, using anger to excuse mean and vicious behavior. I am not trying to step on anyone's toes, but I feel the need to address this, even vent a bit. Anger is a very real and powerful emotion, trust me I know. I am probably the most angry person I know. I am constantly angry at.... well everything. A family member can say something to me, that they intend as completely innocent, and I will be instantly defensive. The longer the conversation continues, the more angry I become, until I am infuriated to the point of wanting to just put my fist through a wall. I am fortunately not a violent person, so I would never physically lash out at anyone, regardless of how angry I was. I will say there is an exception to that rule. If anyone ever harmed my son, I'd be out for blood... but that's just the mom in me. But I do lash out with words a lot. If someone says something hurtful to me... my instant response is "fuck you". That is my instant reaction. It's not right, it's not mature, but it's fact. And I use my anger as an excuse to not move forward, an excuse to say whatever I want. I use it as a defense. If I'm pissed, who is going to approach me? Certainly no one who doesn't want a confrontation. I did not used to be angry. Growing up, I took what everyone dished out, and I did it with a smile. I never spoke up against anyone, especially the adults in my life. I never said a harsh word, for fear of retaliation. I just took it, and bottled it up. Then when I was just shy of 17 years old, something happened that, in my opinion, shouldn't have. It took me back to a place that I thought I was out of, and it pissed me off.
I suppose you could say it was the "straw that broke the camel's back" and I just lost control. I was placed in a youth facility instead of being placed in a foster home. If anyone in authority came near me, I lashed out. I actually got physical a lot of the time. They were always a bit on alert, ready for me to explode. I learned to use that to my advantage, but what I didn't realize was that yes, the home allowed it, but the real world doesn't. It took being removed from a foster home by the police for me to realize that throwing things and threatening to kill people was NOT acceptable behavior. Sure, I knew I would never really hurt them... but they didn't know that. And I liked it. I liked the fact that people were afraid of me, because that meant that for a change, I wasn't the one afraid. That day when I left that house in handcuffs... I looked over at my foster mother, and the first thing I saw on her face was fear. And then it hit me... I was becoming just like the perps... I was ruling with fear and anger. I've calmed down a lot since, but I still have so much anger in me, it's just nearly suffocating. And there comes a time when you have to just let it go. Yes people did some things to me that were really messed up. They stole my childhood from me and I have every right to be angry with them... but if I hold on to that anger for the rest of my life, who suffers? The perps who are out there living their lives, and probably don't give what they did to me a second thought? Do they suffer for my anger, and hatred? No. I suffer, my family suffers, my son will suffer. If I let this anger continue it's hold on me, I will end up just like the people I am angry at. And I will never be able to rise above it, and give my child something better. The longer I dwell in it, the longer the perps and the people who pulled me down continue to have a hold on me. I guess my point in this is that anger is an excuse, to say things that are mean and vicious, and later say "well I was angry". Bullshit. Anger is not a good reason to hurt people. If you let anger cause you to lash out, to be mean, then you put yourself on the perps level. And that's not somewhere I want to be.
I am not willing to put myself on their level... I have to choose to rise above it.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Baby steps
I have decided to use this blog as a way to work my way through the healing process. A friend gave me a great idea, that I could blog my way through Angela Shelton's Warrior Workbook... and I think it's such an awesome idea! I am so excited about it. I was hesitant at first to use this for healing, but I think any struggles I am going to face are probably struggles that a lot of survivors face, and blogging about it may help someone in the same part of their journey. So starting today, I'll be blogging about my healing process. I don't have the workbook yet, so until I get it next month, I'll be doing the blocks from the Self Healing from Trauma series.
This week I am supposed to make a list of things I do each day that makes me feel good, and do it daily. Honestly, lately I've been in a major rut, and half the time I just don't have the energy to start my day, and I just stay in bed. So today I actually got out of bed, and even before noon! Lol. So that's what I did today that has made me feel good, and my goal is simply to do it again tomorrow. Something I'm starting to see is that baby steps are usually the best idea when starting to heal. So I am trying to simply take baby steps, sometimes I'll take a step a day... sometimes I'm sure I'll only make a step a week. But I figure, as long as I keep moving forward, the pace doesn't really matter.
This week I am supposed to make a list of things I do each day that makes me feel good, and do it daily. Honestly, lately I've been in a major rut, and half the time I just don't have the energy to start my day, and I just stay in bed. So today I actually got out of bed, and even before noon! Lol. So that's what I did today that has made me feel good, and my goal is simply to do it again tomorrow. Something I'm starting to see is that baby steps are usually the best idea when starting to heal. So I am trying to simply take baby steps, sometimes I'll take a step a day... sometimes I'm sure I'll only make a step a week. But I figure, as long as I keep moving forward, the pace doesn't really matter.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Fear
I have a huge fear of blogging. Not journaling, where it's password protected and only I see it, but blogging. For me, when I wrote about something related to my trauma, or to something that angered me, I got in trouble because eventually someone found it and read it. The idea of creating a blog to work my way through my trauma, and healing, is terrifying because I know people will be watching that journey. It makes me nervous, and shy. I wonder if once I start writing, I'll ever stop. Or if I'll be able to control what ends up on the page. I constantly worry about angering someone, hurting someone, concerning someone, or offending someone. But... I guess this journey is about me. and not what everyone else thinks, huh? All I know is I've gone this far, and how will I ever move forward if I let fear stop the most important journey of my life?
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