My passion

I have found my niche. My way of "healthy release" as a friend called it:). I can't believe that I never realized how amazing running feels. Granted, I am pretty out of shape, after spending half my life on the couch doing nothing but being depressed and gaining weight. I have started a program that is training me to run, and I feel amazing. I love the rush, the natural high I get when I run, and how good I feel about myself when I'm done. I have never enjoyed exercising, but I love to run.

I have discovered it helps me get away... when I was running last night, everything that had been on my mind, every stress, was gone for a little while. I could just focus on putting one foot in front of the other, and the beat of the music from my ipod. It's my own little world, where I am in control. I decide when I run, when I stop, how fast or slow my pace is. I love the sense of power it gives me... and that when I am running, it's almost like I'm taking my life back, even if it's only for 30 minutes. Maybe that's weird, that I put so much into it, or that I view it that way... but I don't care. I have found my passion, and nobody can ever take that from me.

Change

Next month is big for me. Huge, in fact. It's an anniversary of sorts, but not like most of my anniversaries. Until now the only anniversaries I have had were sad, painful, depressing, etc. The anniversaries of trauma, of trials, of being placed in foster care, etc. I coped with those anniversaries and all the crap in my life with self abuse. I cut myself, burned myself, and hit myself. Whatever would distract me from the pain in my own life.

Next month, I get to celebrate something awesome... I have not done any kind of self mutilation or self abuse in a year as of mid June. I honestly can't believe it, I never thought I would be able to overcome it, I've been a "cutter" for 10 years. It's the only thing I turned to when things got to be too much, the only thing that made me feel better. I would stew and stew and think about it, until finally it seemed that the only way to get a break was to do it. It became an addiction, and I never thought I'd stop. I thought I'd be stuck in it forever, and even though I hated the scars up and down my arms and legs... I didn't know how else to cope. I still hate looking at the scars covering my arms, but thankfully, they are fading. I only hope that once my baby is old enough to be curious about them, they aren't really visible.

I have gotten to the point several times lately where all I wanted to do was take the nearest sharp object to myself... I thought about it constantly and it would have been SO easy to give in. But I could not do it, I couldn't add another scar, and I couldn't take myself back to that place of self-degradation. I refuse to go back there. Every day that I don't self-mutilate, don't cut myself and punish myself for what those mother fuckers did to me, is a day I take back power in my own life. And say I am NOT going to let them win. Because I am worth more than that... I may not completely believe it yet, but one day I will. And I refuse to give up until I get there.

Purging

I have tried keeping my "issues" as of late to myself, with the exception of a few close friends whom I love dearly(you know who you are). But sometimes, you just need to purge, so purging is what I am going to do today. I have come to the conclusion that I have done a serious 1 step forward, 10 steps back kind of thing with my life recently. I had been, up to a few weeks ago, been doing pretty well in my healing. I was nowhere near where I needed to be, but I was taking steps to get there. I can't figure out WHY I let myself get back into an abusive cycle, when I knew how happy I was when I was trying to heal. I had my rough days, but I knew that I was working toward something, and I felt good about that.

Now I don't feel good about anything. My child is literally the only reason I am existing day to day, and I hate the feeling of waking up and barely having the emotional energy to start my day. I hate that I make a choice at the beginning of the day to be okay, to not think about what has happened, to be "normal" just for once in my fucking life... and by the time breakfast is over I've been sucked into this despair that just threatens to completely destroy me. I want to be normal just one day, and not feel the self hatred, and the disgust in who I am. People tell me how strong I am, and how much I can "make it through this", and I tell them they're right, I agree with them, tell them I will, and I don't even believe myself when I say it. They don't realize how weak and completely broken I feel right now. I feel so defeated, and so worthless and I just hate it.

I thought I had done so well, that I was getting to a place where I could, even if I struggled, at least be okay with myself. And one stupid decision to let someone back into my life has completely destroyed any progress I made. And I think what hurts the most is I literally have only myself to blame because I knew exactly what I was getting into. Yes I hoped I was wrong, but deep down, I knew I was right. I'm not stupid, I know how abuse works... abusers don't just stop abusing one day because they suddenly grow a conscious. I am so mad at myself for going back to that, and so mad that I could be so stupid. Until recently I tried to pretend I had it all together and that I was just fine, but it's gotten to where I can't keep up that facade anymore. But I don't want to get back to the angry place I was before I started my journey. I feel myself wanting to lash out at the people who are trying to help me. To hurt them because I am hurting. I had started to be able to trust, now I once again suspect that everyone has an ulterior motive. I am waiting for the few friends I've become close to to leave me... when in all reality, I'll probably end up pushing them away. Even though I know I shouldn't, because it would be so self destructive to push away the few people who want to help me, and who actually understand what I am dealing with.

I really would love to just brush this off as "venting", a much needed purge that, once completed, will restore the progress I lost with my stupidity. But honestly, I can't wrap this one up in a pretty little bow, because the truth is, I'm drowning in this fucking ocean of sadness, grief and total self loathing. And what frustrates me even more is that I'm not sure I have the energy to swim to shore.

I'm alive!

I have been on a break for quite a while, sorry about that. Had a baby and needed a "maternity leave" so to speak. But I'm back now, and ready to pick up where I left off!