Change

Next month is big for me. Huge, in fact. It's an anniversary of sorts, but not like most of my anniversaries. Until now the only anniversaries I have had were sad, painful, depressing, etc. The anniversaries of trauma, of trials, of being placed in foster care, etc. I coped with those anniversaries and all the crap in my life with self abuse. I cut myself, burned myself, and hit myself. Whatever would distract me from the pain in my own life.

Next month, I get to celebrate something awesome... I have not done any kind of self mutilation or self abuse in a year as of mid June. I honestly can't believe it, I never thought I would be able to overcome it, I've been a "cutter" for 10 years. It's the only thing I turned to when things got to be too much, the only thing that made me feel better. I would stew and stew and think about it, until finally it seemed that the only way to get a break was to do it. It became an addiction, and I never thought I'd stop. I thought I'd be stuck in it forever, and even though I hated the scars up and down my arms and legs... I didn't know how else to cope. I still hate looking at the scars covering my arms, but thankfully, they are fading. I only hope that once my baby is old enough to be curious about them, they aren't really visible.

I have gotten to the point several times lately where all I wanted to do was take the nearest sharp object to myself... I thought about it constantly and it would have been SO easy to give in. But I could not do it, I couldn't add another scar, and I couldn't take myself back to that place of self-degradation. I refuse to go back there. Every day that I don't self-mutilate, don't cut myself and punish myself for what those mother fuckers did to me, is a day I take back power in my own life. And say I am NOT going to let them win. Because I am worth more than that... I may not completely believe it yet, but one day I will. And I refuse to give up until I get there.