My passion

I have found my niche. My way of "healthy release" as a friend called it:). I can't believe that I never realized how amazing running feels. Granted, I am pretty out of shape, after spending half my life on the couch doing nothing but being depressed and gaining weight. I have started a program that is training me to run, and I feel amazing. I love the rush, the natural high I get when I run, and how good I feel about myself when I'm done. I have never enjoyed exercising, but I love to run.

I have discovered it helps me get away... when I was running last night, everything that had been on my mind, every stress, was gone for a little while. I could just focus on putting one foot in front of the other, and the beat of the music from my ipod. It's my own little world, where I am in control. I decide when I run, when I stop, how fast or slow my pace is. I love the sense of power it gives me... and that when I am running, it's almost like I'm taking my life back, even if it's only for 30 minutes. Maybe that's weird, that I put so much into it, or that I view it that way... but I don't care. I have found my passion, and nobody can ever take that from me.

Change

Next month is big for me. Huge, in fact. It's an anniversary of sorts, but not like most of my anniversaries. Until now the only anniversaries I have had were sad, painful, depressing, etc. The anniversaries of trauma, of trials, of being placed in foster care, etc. I coped with those anniversaries and all the crap in my life with self abuse. I cut myself, burned myself, and hit myself. Whatever would distract me from the pain in my own life.

Next month, I get to celebrate something awesome... I have not done any kind of self mutilation or self abuse in a year as of mid June. I honestly can't believe it, I never thought I would be able to overcome it, I've been a "cutter" for 10 years. It's the only thing I turned to when things got to be too much, the only thing that made me feel better. I would stew and stew and think about it, until finally it seemed that the only way to get a break was to do it. It became an addiction, and I never thought I'd stop. I thought I'd be stuck in it forever, and even though I hated the scars up and down my arms and legs... I didn't know how else to cope. I still hate looking at the scars covering my arms, but thankfully, they are fading. I only hope that once my baby is old enough to be curious about them, they aren't really visible.

I have gotten to the point several times lately where all I wanted to do was take the nearest sharp object to myself... I thought about it constantly and it would have been SO easy to give in. But I could not do it, I couldn't add another scar, and I couldn't take myself back to that place of self-degradation. I refuse to go back there. Every day that I don't self-mutilate, don't cut myself and punish myself for what those mother fuckers did to me, is a day I take back power in my own life. And say I am NOT going to let them win. Because I am worth more than that... I may not completely believe it yet, but one day I will. And I refuse to give up until I get there.

Purging

I have tried keeping my "issues" as of late to myself, with the exception of a few close friends whom I love dearly(you know who you are). But sometimes, you just need to purge, so purging is what I am going to do today. I have come to the conclusion that I have done a serious 1 step forward, 10 steps back kind of thing with my life recently. I had been, up to a few weeks ago, been doing pretty well in my healing. I was nowhere near where I needed to be, but I was taking steps to get there. I can't figure out WHY I let myself get back into an abusive cycle, when I knew how happy I was when I was trying to heal. I had my rough days, but I knew that I was working toward something, and I felt good about that.

Now I don't feel good about anything. My child is literally the only reason I am existing day to day, and I hate the feeling of waking up and barely having the emotional energy to start my day. I hate that I make a choice at the beginning of the day to be okay, to not think about what has happened, to be "normal" just for once in my fucking life... and by the time breakfast is over I've been sucked into this despair that just threatens to completely destroy me. I want to be normal just one day, and not feel the self hatred, and the disgust in who I am. People tell me how strong I am, and how much I can "make it through this", and I tell them they're right, I agree with them, tell them I will, and I don't even believe myself when I say it. They don't realize how weak and completely broken I feel right now. I feel so defeated, and so worthless and I just hate it.

I thought I had done so well, that I was getting to a place where I could, even if I struggled, at least be okay with myself. And one stupid decision to let someone back into my life has completely destroyed any progress I made. And I think what hurts the most is I literally have only myself to blame because I knew exactly what I was getting into. Yes I hoped I was wrong, but deep down, I knew I was right. I'm not stupid, I know how abuse works... abusers don't just stop abusing one day because they suddenly grow a conscious. I am so mad at myself for going back to that, and so mad that I could be so stupid. Until recently I tried to pretend I had it all together and that I was just fine, but it's gotten to where I can't keep up that facade anymore. But I don't want to get back to the angry place I was before I started my journey. I feel myself wanting to lash out at the people who are trying to help me. To hurt them because I am hurting. I had started to be able to trust, now I once again suspect that everyone has an ulterior motive. I am waiting for the few friends I've become close to to leave me... when in all reality, I'll probably end up pushing them away. Even though I know I shouldn't, because it would be so self destructive to push away the few people who want to help me, and who actually understand what I am dealing with.

I really would love to just brush this off as "venting", a much needed purge that, once completed, will restore the progress I lost with my stupidity. But honestly, I can't wrap this one up in a pretty little bow, because the truth is, I'm drowning in this fucking ocean of sadness, grief and total self loathing. And what frustrates me even more is that I'm not sure I have the energy to swim to shore.

I'm alive!

I have been on a break for quite a while, sorry about that. Had a baby and needed a "maternity leave" so to speak. But I'm back now, and ready to pick up where I left off!

Asking for help

I learned something today... I found myself doing something I constantly do. Refusing to ask for help. I tend to insist I can "do it on my own" and won't let anyone help me... even if I know I need help. In this case, it was moving furniture and doing a lot of work, work that can be a bit difficult when you are pregnant and due literally any day. Now I am in serious physical pain, and have no one to blame but myself. Help was offered, I refused it.

I'm realizing I am just this way with my trauma and emotional problems... I am so damn independent and stubborn, I can't let my guard down even to say "hey I'm struggling, I really need some help". I struggle, and I'm depressed, angry and lost. And I am too afraid of being vulnerable or needing someone. See, in the past, those I needed, those I trusted, violated me in the most personal way. So now... I can't stand to be in need or let people past my defenses, even if they only want to help. Eventually, I have to ask for help. Because if I don't.... I'm the one who is going to continue to suffer for it.

Haven't posted this week

I know I've not really posted much this week, sorry about that! The week 3 block is a bit more challenging than the last two, and it's going to take me some time to get it done. I have been having a moderately decent week... went to bed at a decent time the last couple nights so was up around 9 or 10 each day.... that's definitely an improvement. I have usually just stayed up all night, because sleeping at night is often triggery. So I would sleep half the day literally, which doesn't really make for a progressive day. Hopefully I can get my sleep back on track, that would be awesome.

I am going to be a mother, that is becoming more scary each day. I worry about if I'll give him enough love, if I'll protect him the way I should, if the man I eventually marry (when I find him) will hurt him. That is my biggest fear. I'm going to be a single mom, and when I meet a man I want to be with, I'm afraid I'll end up marrying someone who harms my child. And I would never forgive myself. All I can do is tell myself that I am powerful enough to break the cycle... and hope like hell that I'm right.

Sorry everyone, I got busy for a couple of days! Anyways, I am still following the goals for the week 2 block, and have managed to accomplish my goal daily. I went to a movie with one of my favorite people this week, Alice in Wonderland 3d... it was a great movie! I also got out and did some shopping with another of my fave people, and took some time out for myself to sit in the hot tub and relax. So I feel very confident about my accomplished goals this week. I do need to work on my outlook/attitude, but I think that will come in time. I think that one main thing I want to accomplish with all of this healing work, is to just be happy. Not have every day be amazing, or have everything always go right for me, because that is just not realistic. But just to be happy in myself and in my life. To feel content, even during the difficult times.

Honestly, I think that happiness and contentment are two of the most important things in life. Because then the bad seems not so bad, and the good seems even better.

Good day

I had a good day, got out of the house and spent time with a family member whom I'm very close to. I really enjoy having her around, I can talk to her about anything without judgement, and she reassures me and just lets me vent. That can be so important. I finished a project I was working on today, and it's always nice to feel like you have accomplished something. So in all... a good day. New baby did not arrive like everyone thought, so I'm around for a bit longer. I hope everyone out there had a productive day as well!

Update

I am stopping by to update... I did accomplish my goal the last couple of days. I watched a funny movie yesterday, it's crazy how quickly your mood can improve if you just find something to laugh at. I also got out of the house today for a while, and got myself a little treat. Sometimes something that simple can really make you feel better. Last night I took a hot bath, think I'll do the same tonight. All in all I feel pretty good about it. I may not be around for a couple of days, new baby may be making a debut, but I will update again when I am able.

Week 2 begins

I haven't been on much the last couple of days, haven't been feeling well. But I'm back! I finished up the first week, now it's on to the second block in the Self Healing from Trauma. I will say that yes, I made it out of bed this weekend, and even got out of the house both days. So yay.

This week I am making a list of things that I enjoy doing. So let's start with that. I love to
~read, it relaxes me and takes me out of myself for a while
~write, because I can just be me, no holds barred, on paper(or computer)
~cross stitch
~watch funny movies.

Today I am going to read, because I could use some relaxation. I am going to place one restriction on my reading however... no self help books or anything non fiction. It sometimes stresses me out more, and overwhelms me. So this week, I am sticking to fiction. Happy fiction.

I am discovering how very... human I am today. I've made it out of bed and so I suppose, technically, I have accomplished my goal. But today I am seeing that I have so much more that I need to work on. There are times that I don't even recognize the person in the mirror. Who I used to be has been replaced with this mean, angry, spiteful person that I quite honestly am not too fond of. I know that there is such a joyful life waiting for me, I just have to get there. But man.... this is one of those days when I really need help with that journey.

Bad day

I'm not really in a writing mood today ladies(and gents). I did make it out of bed today, so goal accomplished. But I think that in the space I'm in, it's best if I save further writing for another day.

Anger

Okay today I'm going to write about a couple things. I am going to do my "list" updating, and I am also going to talk about something that's been on my mind a lot lately.

First, I did manage yesterday to make it out of bed, although not as early as I would have liked. It was probably 2 before I drug myself out of bed. But, in the light of baby steps, I think that regardless of what time I made it out of bed, what counts is that I did. I also got out of the house and went to the last class of a 4 week thing. It made me feel good to actually get out, get some fresh air, and socialize with people. I have found out something about myself lately, and that is I really prefer to be alone. I like to socialize as much as the next person, especially if I'm around people who are fun and uplifting. But I am equally happy just being by myself, reading or watching a movie. Some people may see that as a flaw, but I see it as a victory, because the thought of being alone used to terrify me. I feel like I have found the strength to just be myself, with myself. I hope that makes sense. I made it out of bed today as well, at 10:30, which is quite an improvement from most days. I feel good about it, and I've got a group function I am going to this evening as well, which is one I always look forward to. So tonight I'll be getting out of the house again, which I'm excited about!

Second, I'm going to talk about excuses. Mainly, using anger to excuse mean and vicious behavior. I am not trying to step on anyone's toes, but I feel the need to address this, even vent a bit. Anger is a very real and powerful emotion, trust me I know. I am probably the most angry person I know. I am constantly angry at.... well everything. A family member can say something to me, that they intend as completely innocent, and I will be instantly defensive. The longer the conversation continues, the more angry I become, until I am infuriated to the point of wanting to just put my fist through a wall. I am fortunately not a violent person, so I would never physically lash out at anyone, regardless of how angry I was. I will say there is an exception to that rule. If anyone ever harmed my son, I'd be out for blood... but that's just the mom in me. But I do lash out with words a lot. If someone says something hurtful to me... my instant response is "fuck you". That is my instant reaction. It's not right, it's not mature, but it's fact. And I use my anger as an excuse to not move forward, an excuse to say whatever I want. I use it as a defense. If I'm pissed, who is going to approach me? Certainly no one who doesn't want a confrontation. I did not used to be angry. Growing up, I took what everyone dished out, and I did it with a smile. I never spoke up against anyone, especially the adults in my life. I never said a harsh word, for fear of retaliation. I just took it, and bottled it up. Then when I was just shy of 17 years old, something happened that, in my opinion, shouldn't have. It took me back to a place that I thought I was out of, and it pissed me off.

I suppose you could say it was the "straw that broke the camel's back" and I just lost control. I was placed in a youth facility instead of being placed in a foster home. If anyone in authority came near me, I lashed out. I actually got physical a lot of the time. They were always a bit on alert, ready for me to explode. I learned to use that to my advantage, but what I didn't realize was that yes, the home allowed it, but the real world doesn't. It took being removed from a foster home by the police for me to realize that throwing things and threatening to kill people was NOT acceptable behavior. Sure, I knew I would never really hurt them... but they didn't know that. And I liked it. I liked the fact that people were afraid of me, because that meant that for a change, I wasn't the one afraid. That day when I left that house in handcuffs... I looked over at my foster mother, and the first thing I saw on her face was fear. And then it hit me... I was becoming just like the perps... I was ruling with fear and anger. I've calmed down a lot since, but I still have so much anger in me, it's just nearly suffocating. And there comes a time when you have to just let it go. Yes people did some things to me that were really messed up. They stole my childhood from me and I have every right to be angry with them... but if I hold on to that anger for the rest of my life, who suffers? The perps who are out there living their lives, and probably don't give what they did to me a second thought? Do they suffer for my anger, and hatred? No. I suffer, my family suffers, my son will suffer. If I let this anger continue it's hold on me, I will end up just like the people I am angry at. And I will never be able to rise above it, and give my child something better. The longer I dwell in it, the longer the perps and the people who pulled me down continue to have a hold on me. I guess my point in this is that anger is an excuse, to say things that are mean and vicious, and later say "well I was angry". Bullshit. Anger is not a good reason to hurt people. If you let anger cause you to lash out, to be mean, then you put yourself on the perps level. And that's not somewhere I want to be.

I am not willing to put myself on their level... I have to choose to rise above it.

Baby steps

I have decided to use this blog as a way to work my way through the healing process. A friend gave me a great idea, that I could blog my way through Angela Shelton's Warrior Workbook... and I think it's such an awesome idea! I am so excited about it. I was hesitant at first to use this for healing, but I think any struggles I am going to face are probably struggles that a lot of survivors face, and blogging about it may help someone in the same part of their journey. So starting today, I'll be blogging about my healing process. I don't have the workbook yet, so until I get it next month, I'll be doing the blocks from the Self Healing from Trauma series.

This week I am supposed to make a list of things I do each day that makes me feel good, and do it daily. Honestly, lately I've been in a major rut, and half the time I just don't have the energy to start my day, and I just stay in bed. So today I actually got out of bed, and even before noon! Lol. So that's what I did today that has made me feel good, and my goal is simply to do it again tomorrow. Something I'm starting to see is that baby steps are usually the best idea when starting to heal. So I am trying to simply take baby steps, sometimes I'll take a step a day... sometimes I'm sure I'll only make a step a week. But I figure, as long as I keep moving forward, the pace doesn't really matter.

Fear

I have a huge fear of blogging. Not journaling, where it's password protected and only I see it, but blogging. For me, when I wrote about something related to my trauma, or to something that angered me, I got in trouble because eventually someone found it and read it. The idea of creating a blog to work my way through my trauma, and healing, is terrifying because I know people will be watching that journey. It makes me nervous, and shy. I wonder if once I start writing, I'll ever stop. Or if I'll be able to control what ends up on the page. I constantly worry about angering someone, hurting someone, concerning someone, or offending someone. But... I guess this journey is about me. and not what everyone else thinks, huh? All I know is I've gone this far, and how will I ever move forward if I let fear stop the most important journey of my life?