Purging

I have tried keeping my "issues" as of late to myself, with the exception of a few close friends whom I love dearly(you know who you are). But sometimes, you just need to purge, so purging is what I am going to do today. I have come to the conclusion that I have done a serious 1 step forward, 10 steps back kind of thing with my life recently. I had been, up to a few weeks ago, been doing pretty well in my healing. I was nowhere near where I needed to be, but I was taking steps to get there. I can't figure out WHY I let myself get back into an abusive cycle, when I knew how happy I was when I was trying to heal. I had my rough days, but I knew that I was working toward something, and I felt good about that.

Now I don't feel good about anything. My child is literally the only reason I am existing day to day, and I hate the feeling of waking up and barely having the emotional energy to start my day. I hate that I make a choice at the beginning of the day to be okay, to not think about what has happened, to be "normal" just for once in my fucking life... and by the time breakfast is over I've been sucked into this despair that just threatens to completely destroy me. I want to be normal just one day, and not feel the self hatred, and the disgust in who I am. People tell me how strong I am, and how much I can "make it through this", and I tell them they're right, I agree with them, tell them I will, and I don't even believe myself when I say it. They don't realize how weak and completely broken I feel right now. I feel so defeated, and so worthless and I just hate it.

I thought I had done so well, that I was getting to a place where I could, even if I struggled, at least be okay with myself. And one stupid decision to let someone back into my life has completely destroyed any progress I made. And I think what hurts the most is I literally have only myself to blame because I knew exactly what I was getting into. Yes I hoped I was wrong, but deep down, I knew I was right. I'm not stupid, I know how abuse works... abusers don't just stop abusing one day because they suddenly grow a conscious. I am so mad at myself for going back to that, and so mad that I could be so stupid. Until recently I tried to pretend I had it all together and that I was just fine, but it's gotten to where I can't keep up that facade anymore. But I don't want to get back to the angry place I was before I started my journey. I feel myself wanting to lash out at the people who are trying to help me. To hurt them because I am hurting. I had started to be able to trust, now I once again suspect that everyone has an ulterior motive. I am waiting for the few friends I've become close to to leave me... when in all reality, I'll probably end up pushing them away. Even though I know I shouldn't, because it would be so self destructive to push away the few people who want to help me, and who actually understand what I am dealing with.

I really would love to just brush this off as "venting", a much needed purge that, once completed, will restore the progress I lost with my stupidity. But honestly, I can't wrap this one up in a pretty little bow, because the truth is, I'm drowning in this fucking ocean of sadness, grief and total self loathing. And what frustrates me even more is that I'm not sure I have the energy to swim to shore.